Parenting: What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?

May 2013

​

If you’re looking for easy, this is not the game for you. There are a great many books, videos, classes and all  kinds of expensive nonsense telling you how to be a good parent, but the only advice I could really give is to talk to parents other than your own and look at other peoples kids, figure out which ones you like and copy them. Oh yeah, and rob a bank or get a better job, you’re going to need a little extra cash.

 

Whether you like it or not your child will grow up with all kinds of issues about the strangest things, just like the rest of us, but those issues will be a kind of legacy from you, just like you got from your own parental units. Thanks Mum, now I’ll always be an alcoholic with a penchant for controlled substances. Thanks Dad, now I’ll always have a problem with authority and religion and can never eat mushrooms. I look at my kids and see one part me, one part The Dearly Beloved and one part alien being from a distant galaxy, yeah they’ll get his nose and her feet and her fear of spiders and his fear of ironing, but that other part is all them. The best bit is seeing who they grow up to be. When they’re babies you can already see their personality making its presence felt, screaming their heads off at the slightest thing, completely irrational behaviour and having no concept of logic or reason, but enough about their Mother…

 

Another one of the many terrors of parenting is hearing your Fathers voice come out of your own mouth. Most disconcerting I can tell you. That same voice is usually saying something you swore would never pass your lips, let alone to your own children, it’s very upsetting. The next thing you know those same children have tattoos and piercings, they smoke, drink and swear like football hooligans, just like their mother. She’s got a lot to answer for I can tell you. And I still hate mushrooms.